Dating Violence

Dating violence is a pattern of controlling behaviors that one partner uses to get power over the other, and it includes:

1. Any kind of physical violence or threat of physical violence to get control
2. Emotional or mental abuse, such as playing mind games, making you feel crazy, or constantly putting you down or criticizing you
3. Sexual abuse, including making you do anything you don’t want to, refusing to have safe sex or making you feel badly about yourself sexually

Does your boyfriend/girlfriend:

1. Have a history of bad relationships or past violence; always blames his/her problems on other people; or blames you for “making” him/her treat you badly?
2. Try to use drugs or alcohol to coerce you or get you alone when you don’t want to be?
3. Try to control you by being bossy, not taking your opinion seriously or making all of the decisions about who you see, what you wear, what you do, etc.?
4. Talk negatively about people in sexual ways or talk about sex like it’s a game or contest?

Do you:

1. Feel less confident about yourself when you’re with him/her?
2. Feel scared or worried about doing or saying “the wrong thing?”
3. Find yourself changing your behavior out of fear or to avoid a fight?

Dating violence is more than just arguing or fighting.
Teens who abuse their girlfriends or boyfriends do the same things that adults who abuse their partners do. Teen dating violence is just as serious as adult domestic violence.
Teens are seriously at risk for dating violence. Research shows that physical or sexual abuse is a part of 1 in 3 high school relationships.
In 95% of abusive relationships, men abuse women. However, young women can be violent, and young men can also be victims. Gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans-gendered teens are just as at risk for abuse in their relationships as anyone else.
Abusive relationships have good times and bad times. Part of what makes dating violence so confusing and painful is that there is love mixed with the abuse. This can make it hard to tell if you are really being abused.
Unfortunately, without help, the violence will only get worse. If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline to talk with someone about it. You can also call the Hotline for more information about dating violence or other resources for teens. Their number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224. To find out more about safety planning to help you keep you safe, click here.

INFORMATION FOR TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS ABOUT CONTROLLING OR VIOLENT RELATIONSHIPS.

MYTHS ABOUT DATING RELATIONSHIPS

" A guy needs to be in control of the relationship."
"A girl is to blame when the guy hits her."
"It’s understandable to hit her; maybe next time she’ll learn not to make me angry"
"I love him. I’m the only one who can help him."
"Some girls ask for it; that’s why they stay."
"I shouldn’t have nagged him. It was my fault he got angry."
"When a guy gets angry he can’t help it. He’s uncontrollable."
"I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing."
"She hit me first and I hit her back. Everybody does it sometimes."
"If she really loved him she could make him change."
"If I could figure out what sets him off and not do it, maybe he could stop."

ALL OF THE ABOVE STATEMENTS ARE EXCUSES!!!

 YOUR RIGHTS IN A DATING RELATIONSHIP

You can:

• express your opinions and have them respected.
• have your needs be as important as your partner’s needs.
• grow as an individual in your own way.
• change your mind.
• fall out of love and break up with someone and not be threatened.
• have a relationship free from physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.
• not take responsibility for your partner’s behavior.

ARE YOU ABUSIVE?

1. Do you constantly check up on your partner and accuse him or her of being with other people?
2. Are you extremely jealous or possessive?
3. Have you hit, kicked, shoved, or thrown things at your partner?
4. Do you constantly criticize or insult your partner?
5. Do you become violent when you drink or use drugs?
6. Have you threatened your partner or broken things in your partner’s presence?
7. Have you forced your partner to have sex with you or intimidated your partner so that he or she is afraid to say no?
8. Have you threatened to hurt your partner?
9. Have you threatened to hurt yourself if your partner breaks up with you?

If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions realize that you are inflicting physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse on your partner.

• You must take responsibility for your actions.
• You can’t blame your behavior on your partner or drugs or alcohol.
• You can change the way you act if you get supportive counseling.
• You can call a crisis hotline for the number of a batterer’s program or go to the counseling center at your school.
• Unless you do something about it, it’s going to get worse, and the violence will increase.
• You might be breaking the law with your abusive behavior.

ARE YOU BEING ABUSED?

1. Are you frightened by your partner’s temper?
2. Are you afraid to disagree with your partner?
3. Are you constantly apologizing for your partner’s behavior, especially when he or she has treated you badly?
4. Do you have to justify every place you go, everything you do, or every person you see just to avoid you partner’s anger?
5. Does your partner constantly put you down and then tell you that he or she loves you?
6. Have you ever been hit, kicked, shoved, or had things thrown at you?
7. Do you not see your family or friends or do things just because of your partner’s jealousy?
8. Have you been forced into having sex when you didn’t want to?
9. Are you afraid to break up because you partner has threatened to hurt you or himself/herself?

If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, you are in an abusive relationship. You can:

• end the relationship and choose not to see your partner.
• get help from someone you trust, preferably an adult.
• go to your counseling center at school.
• call 1-800-572-SAFE (7233) for referral to a local support program in your area.